I have been overweight so long now, it's hard for me to imagine myself another way. I went from skinny (and I do mean skinny) to fat practically overnight -- 19 years ago. I barely remember myself another way. And I did not appreciate my trim body when I had it, so I never really looked at it! I have always been insecure about my appearance. I was a late bloomer, painfully thin and unmercifully teased throughout my growing up years. I wore bikinis as a young adult -- ones with 4 times as much fabric as they have nowadays! -- but never looked at myself in the mirror.
It's more than that, though. If I plumb the depths a little, I can tell you why I don't visualize myself at goal weight. I am scared that it will be "too late." I'm afraid my skin will hang in ugly folds and my neck will be a huge, swinging waddle. I'll have basset hound hands and feet. And worse, I'll still be ugly. I will still look in the mirror and say, "ick." (Yes, yes, I know I'm not ugly now. Obviously some work to do there too.)
After several successful weeks in a row, I've had two weeks of no change and I know this week my weight will be up. I know this because I've and eaten a lot of things I did not track and choose not to remember. Notice how my troubles correspond exactly to the amount of time we've been in Lent? Yes, it's my Lenten Rebellion. That is, of course, exactly how to gain weight. My actions are not too surprising in light of my lack of vision!
Last night, though, I had a miracle. I had a dream of myself in a swimsuit at goal weight. It was very realistic. I could see my whole torso and for some reason, I had my arms over my head and I could see that they were definitely my arms, mid-century arms, with a lot of swing! Yet my body looked a lot different than my body of my youth, thicker, but stronger too. I realized on waking, I am so fit now. I was never this fit in my young adulthood. I didn't value fitness as I now do!
I have it now. I can "see" it. I recommit to my eating plan and to logging my food. I recommit to my goal to drop 50+ pounds this year. I will make some plans right now and head off into spring break well-armed to eat well.
Now. . . how about you?