Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I read lots of blogs by people who have always been chubby. And I often think genetics may have a big role to play in their struggles. However, that is not my story.

As a child I was stick thin. And as a teenager, the boys called me "toothpick" and told me not to turn sideways because they couldn't see me. I had few boyfriends. Older men liked me , unfortunately; I think it was the "Lolita" factor. As a young adult, I remained very trim, and people often commented on my self-control or said I ate like a bird. I had no self control and I did not eat like a bird. So to what do I attribute my thinness? Metabolism. I was a runner but I exercise twice as much now.

I had terrible eating habits. I had ice cream every day. A big portion too. My favorite breakfast was Frosted Flakes. I hated salad. My only real vegetable was tomatoes. I loved creamy soups, gravy, sauces, and starches of all kinds. Because I was "naturally" skinny, I could get away with it. Twice as a young adult I gained a little weight, both times it literally melted off me with the tiniest bit of intention and effort. I was a Weight Watchers poster child; I could dump 15 pounds in 6 weeks with a little point counting and exercise.

Then things changed. I began gaining weight and continued gaining a few pounds a year for about 10 years until I was 90 pounds overweight. And guess what -- I had no idea what to do about it. So over the last 4 years, I have become self-educated in the areas of nutrition, exercise and metabolism. I haven't gained any weight in about 3 years, and I have lost a little. It has at times been extremely frustrating. But I wouldn't change a minute of it. Because now I really know what it takes to make me tick. I know a lot about all the food groups, I can argue the merits and demerits of the food pyramid, I know how to calculate my bmr and what that has to do with weight. I understand metabolic changes that affect weight and know a lot about exercise, as well. I know about my blood chemistry and could write a book on the health risks of obesity.

Perhaps most importantly, I've learned what it means to stand in for myself; to keep advocating for myself; to trust that I will keep losing the weight little by little and to be constantly reminded that I do, in fact, matter. I recently realized my best friend has never known me thin -- and she loves me! Every time I have to say no to something "special" being offered at a celebration, I get to see that I matter. Every time I put on my shoes and hit the streets when I have a stack of laundry or work to do, I get it. I matter. I actually do. So I may still be fat, but inside, I'm singing. And I trust that this recent shift on the inside is going to be showing up on the outside one day soon.

Current Weight: 232.2
Weight Last Weigh In: 232.2
Weight loss since last week: 2/10ths of a pound
(yes, this is excrutiatingly slow!)

Eating Goals 4
Exercise 4
Motivation 5

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