Because I have never before had 9 days of bed-rest, I had a lot of time to take a look at my life. A few facts stood out for me:
1) I do not lose weight easily. Not at all. I can follow any program of calorie restriction or reduction and I will lose weight some weeks only to gain it back the next.
2) No one said it should be easy
3) Therefore, if I want to lose weight and keep it off I must (a) find a way to increase my metabolism and (b) Recognize that all changes to my diet must be ongoing (with no days "off") and permanent.
These were valuable insights but the most important one has come slowly in the last few months: This is a spiritual issue. I start making progress and then get thrown off track by a life-shock or a hard week and I give up. A few poor food choices later and all my hard work is out the window because I gain weight super easily.
Around New Year's the movie Rocky came to my mind. I have it on my actions step to watch it again. It's the story of kid who wants to become a championship boxer and on his way to fame, he has to grapple with his mind and train himself to fight for what he wants.
"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you're hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits" (Rocky Balboa)
He realizes he has to "go the distance for his self-respect." (IMDB) I realize this is what I have to do if I want to lose this weight. I have to fight hard every day, every day. I've proven it's not going to be easy. It's time to let go of that once and for all and deal with my spiritual issues. I need that fight in me.
Last week I noticed that Braveheart was coming on t.v. I taped it to watch with the girls because it is a great story. I did not realize it was just the tonic I needed. At one point, William Wallace is accused of being angry. He said that he was in fact angry and he used his anger to fuel his fight for freedom. He did not stop fighting. He saw what he had to do and even when it wasn't how he thought it should be, he kep fighting. In fact, he fought harder.
I am angry too. I think it should be easy. I think a gal who has a healthy heart should also be thin. I don't want to be "fit and fat," I want to be fit looking. I've worked hard for ten years and I should have the body to show for it. I think if I follow my program - or any program - I should lose weight and it shouldn't fly back on by one cheeseburger. So many "shoulds."
I'm mad. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. I am going to focus on finding my own brave heart and I am going to fight like Wallace. I'm going to keep fighting until I win this cursed battle because my freedom is worth it.