Strong Start Day

Today is my "Strong Start Today." Today I begin the medically supervised weight loss program. I'm actually still quite surprised to find myself here. This is not where I thought my "looking at all the options" would land me! And I am very grateful for the way in which More to Life has trained me to be a more open-minded person. And very, VERY grateful to Margaret for going with me to the intro -- it made all the difference.

So here's the skinny (tee hee). I have committed to attend 13 weeks of classes with 2 or fewer absences. I have a minimum prescription of 5 shakes per day. In addition, I can supplement with their brand of "bars," their entrees, their hot cereal and chicken broth. I am not supposed to be hungry. Ever. If I am hungry, I am going to have another shake or an entree or something. It's called a "decision free" diet. Somehow, even though it's similar in calories to what I have been eating, it is promised to work. The benefit to following the program "to the letter" is that people who do so, lose almost twice as much weight in 19 weeks as people who "eat off program" in the early weeks. I am not concerned about my ability to eat only these things.

I'm committing to a few other things as well; to exercise at least 2000 calories per week; to log everything that goes into my mouth, and to make a mid-week phone call to my instructor. In addition, I am making a personal commitment to continue to provide appetizing and healthy food to the girls and for us to have our family evening meal.

Did I mention that Paul is on the plan with me? This was a surprising and touching development. When I went over the plan fundamentals with him, he said, "I think I will do it with you." He's such a great partner!

This is a significant financial commitment. I'm still adjusting to that. However, I have poured out a pretty big pile of cash the last three years doing it on my own. So it is what it is and maybe I will need a job! We'll see.

In other news, I enjoyed our family cruise on the beautiful Emerald Princess and managed to eat moderately. I neither gained nor lost weight so that is pretty great. Of course, we got tons of exercise, but most of the credit is due to me deciding not to have an entire week of "last suppers." I am really proud of myself for that.

Writing this, it sounds a little flat. I notice I am on my back about not being able to succeed on my own. I think the "crafty little sucker" has a hold of my brain. So just for you, dear reader, I will make one final commitment just for today. I promise to "root that sucker out," as my friend Sue says, so I can enjoy "strong start day!"

Ciao.

Visit to the Doctor

I saw my internist yesterday. There were a few surprises in the visit.

The first is that my average weight loss over the last several months is 1/2 pound a week. That's a pretty slow rate of loss. My thyroid level will be rechecked next week, but there is no reason to think it is not being well controlled by medication.

I am eating 1000-1200 calories a day; most days closer to 1,000. I'm exercising 6 hours a week. Dr. Fung thinks it would not be safe to eat less than 1000 calories a day, given my activity level. He does not think the issue is my thyroid. He thinks it is genetic history (all the women on my dad's side are very, very obese) and he said there is much that is not known about how genetics affect metabolism. It is clear that there is a link but much that is not known.

He said basically, I have two choices (in the "reasonable" arena, anyway).
1) Keep doing what I'm doing and realize it is going to take a long time. We are talking about 25 pound a year loss, IF I am really diligent about staying in this range. I wondered about increasing my exercise but as you know, that won't help a LOT because it is hard to burn calories with exercise. However, increased muscle does increase metabolism so it seems like at some point, my metabolism would heat up.

2) Go on a medically supervised diet where you are on all liquids for 6 weeks and then add in other foods they provide. It is an 800 cal/day diet but it is medically supervised so your blood is checked for ketones and things like that on a regular basis. I am going to go to the intro meeting just to make sure I have all the facts. As I understand it, you are not allowed to eat anything except the pre-pared food, so no fresh food at all. There is also a concern about how many foods they have to offer that do not contain onion or onion powder so I will research that at the meeting as well. There is a cost, obviously, which I think is about $200/ month.

Neither of these options make me do cart-wheeels. I think I need to make sure I have all the facts on the medically supervised program before deciding.

I am not still upset about this stuff. In some ways, it is confirming of my experience. It is helpful to have been tracking my calories and weighing and measuring so there is no doubt in my mind about my calorie intake. I did not expect there to be an easy answer. Right after my conversation with him I had some "not fair" thinkin which was hooked to my core belief that "Life is not fair." I know that is not true and have "unrooted" that belief and am now ready to make some decisions about how to proceed.

Since Dr. Fung is my third doctor in the last three years to work with me on my weight, I have concluded that medical science has done what it can, aside from option 2 above. I think what he said is accurate -- it "rings" of the truth. I am not willing to undergo surgery and weight loss drugs would not really help since I don't have an appetite issue ( I have not been hungry at all). I'm pretty anti-drug anyway.

That's what I know today. I hope to attend the "option 2" meeting in the next week and then think about how I want to proceed.

Data: Down another 2 pounds this week. Being sick probably had an impact so working to hold onto it and add to it this week!

I read lots of blogs by people who have always been chubby. And I often think genetics may have a big role to play in their struggles. However, that is not my story.

As a child I was stick thin. And as a teenager, the boys called me "toothpick" and told me not to turn sideways because they couldn't see me. I had few boyfriends. Older men liked me , unfortunately; I think it was the "Lolita" factor. As a young adult, I remained very trim, and people often commented on my self-control or said I ate like a bird. I had no self control and I did not eat like a bird. So to what do I attribute my thinness? Metabolism. I was a runner but I exercise twice as much now.

I had terrible eating habits. I had ice cream every day. A big portion too. My favorite breakfast was Frosted Flakes. I hated salad. My only real vegetable was tomatoes. I loved creamy soups, gravy, sauces, and starches of all kinds. Because I was "naturally" skinny, I could get away with it. Twice as a young adult I gained a little weight, both times it literally melted off me with the tiniest bit of intention and effort. I was a Weight Watchers poster child; I could dump 15 pounds in 6 weeks with a little point counting and exercise.

Then things changed. I began gaining weight and continued gaining a few pounds a year for about 10 years until I was 90 pounds overweight. And guess what -- I had no idea what to do about it. So over the last 4 years, I have become self-educated in the areas of nutrition, exercise and metabolism. I haven't gained any weight in about 3 years, and I have lost a little. It has at times been extremely frustrating. But I wouldn't change a minute of it. Because now I really know what it takes to make me tick. I know a lot about all the food groups, I can argue the merits and demerits of the food pyramid, I know how to calculate my bmr and what that has to do with weight. I understand metabolic changes that affect weight and know a lot about exercise, as well. I know about my blood chemistry and could write a book on the health risks of obesity.

Perhaps most importantly, I've learned what it means to stand in for myself; to keep advocating for myself; to trust that I will keep losing the weight little by little and to be constantly reminded that I do, in fact, matter. I recently realized my best friend has never known me thin -- and she loves me! Every time I have to say no to something "special" being offered at a celebration, I get to see that I matter. Every time I put on my shoes and hit the streets when I have a stack of laundry or work to do, I get it. I matter. I actually do. So I may still be fat, but inside, I'm singing. And I trust that this recent shift on the inside is going to be showing up on the outside one day soon.

Current Weight: 232.2
Weight Last Weigh In: 232.2
Weight loss since last week: 2/10ths of a pound
(yes, this is excrutiatingly slow!)

Eating Goals 4
Exercise 4
Motivation 5

Our Family 5K

I admit it. We're not race people. But today, with a little grumbling, I packed up the family (at 6:30 a.m!) and headed out for the CASA of Travis County 5K. I originally signed us up because it's such a great cause. But in the end, it was a great idea all around.

We joined up with a couple of friends from Marywood, our foster care agency. Our oldest daughter, Allison (13), ran the 5K with her dad while I walked near the end of the pack with another mom. Our 11-year-old, Chanelle, ran the kids 1 K. Since it was held after our race, we had the fun of cheering her on. When she crossed the finish line, she was all smiles. And she was even happier when she got interviewed for the local news!

CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) is an amazing group that makes life so much better for kids who are truly need it. So we were happy to support the cause. But the sense of solidarity and accomplishment we got as a family were priceless. Call me crazy, but I see more races in the future!

Surprises, set-backs, and Life!

Have you ever noticed that no matter how carefully you script and plan your life, someone ELSE seems to be in charge? Hmm. I will make the long story short;

Plan: Go to England, exercise a lot, eat little, come home, jump in with both feet.

Reality: Go to Idaho (mom sick), fix comfort food for her, eat moderately, exercise moderately, come home to REAL life (kids in school, sickness, household repairs, job issues).

Yes, it's been challenging. And yet I've managed to keep my calories at or under 1200 since returning home. But only this week have I gotten back to full-blown exercise. My cupboard is stocked, I'm not hungry and it's all going well. Cross your fingers!

Current Weight: 232.4
Weight Last Weigh In: 232.8
Weight loss since last week: 4/10ths of a pound

Eating Goals 5
Exercise 5
Motivation 5

I'm mad at myself, but no longer pouting. And to be fair to myself, unhappy as I was, I didn't EAT anything while I was mad. I gained BACK the pound I lost last week. Yep. Here are the stats:
Current Weight: 232.8
Weight Last Week: 231.8
Since last week: 1 pound gained

Eating 3
Exercise 5
Motivation 4

Total weight loss this RIVAS: 0 pounds

On Thursday and Friday last week, I did not keep to my eating goals. Both days I ate 300 extra calories, amounting to 1500 each day. On Friday, I got some insight from my support partner and course corrected. And then there was last night. I met a friend to exchange her child and we wound up eating at a chain restaurant. I was not planning to eat with her but it was well past dinnertime. I ordered a cheeseburger. No kidding. The night before my weigh in. It must have been full of salt too because my fingers, toes, ankles - all swollen up today. I'm sorry now. It was a painful lesson. I will take a look at the lifeshock in that moment of decision.

I am acknowledging myself for exercise, however. Last week I managed to get in 3.42 hours but I logged 5.5 this week! I have some sore muscles and sore knees but not as bad as I was worried it would be.

I am headed to England for a course on Monday. What this means is that I will not be able to report in as I don't expect to have computer access until I return at the end of the month. In the past while at these courses I have managed to get in three extra hours of exercise while away (not counting shopping or sight-seeing). I will be gone for ten days so I am going for 5 extra hours of intentional exercise in addition to group exercise, sight seeing, etc. I will of course also watch my calories and stay in my limit; busy and away from home this is usually not a difficulty for me. As long as I avoid tea houses! I'll carry vegetables and fruit onto the plane, as well.

Perspiration Inspiration

Okay, I admit it. I am having a heck of a time getting motivated to exercise. There are two things going on: the first is minor, I'm recovering from a cold. Today I feel fine, but for several days, I haven't. If I can get to the point of exercising even when I don't feel well, that will be a big break through.

Second, and this is the real issue, I just don't want to. It's in my head. Here are the "reasons" my mind makes up: It hurts, it takes too long, it takes even longer because I then have to take a shower.

It does often hurt. Chronic knee issues means most forms of exercise (all I've found, actually) hurt both during and afterward. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic and it is very liberating to tell the truth about this. However, what I do also know -- and have had medically verified -- is that though it hurts, it isn't actually making my knees any worse. It's not damaging them, it just hurts. So it's a matter of being willing to hurt. This whole issue with my knees has presented a double-bind for some time; it hurts to exercise so I don't exercise but I need to exercise to effectively lose weight; I'm overweight and being overweight hurts my knees. You can see the conundrum.

I can overcome the other "reasons" not to exercise. It's the first one that trips me up. All of that said, to be fair, I do exercise, just not as much as I want to. I'm averaging 3 to 4 hours a week right now -- I want to at least double that. I read a great blog about exercise this week. The author points out that the real difference between skilled athletes and himself is that they don't cancel their practice to pay bills or catch a tv show. It's their job so it's their priority. I've said several times that my big job right now is getting this weight off. Time for me to put my money where my mouth is.

Here's my commitment. No more excuses. I am calendaring my exercise and I am doing it, every day. And I give myself permission to whine a bit about the pain for the first couple of weeks. Stay tuned!