I thought it might happen eventually and on Wednesday, it did. It started with about 1/4 cup of butter cream frosting (a lick at a time of course) and then when the sugar crash came, I followed up with a snack bag of chips/crisps to "wake me up." Then I decided to make brownies for the kids after school and of course, they didn't come out of the pan that well, so I managed about a brownie's worth in little pieces. Then I went to pick the kids up, and low and behold, the cake I'd sent to school came back with a couple pieces left. So I ate one of those too.
Suffice it to say, the wheels had come off the wagon and things were not looking good. It had been a long and stressful day both work-wise and personally. I was in a personal earthquake as many things around me were changing, worrisome or shaky. As I entered the house after making my next-to-last "taxi-mom" run. I felt beaten down and I was really on my back about my eating so far. As I slumped in front of the TV, I considered skipping my evening workout, thinking the day was already "lost."
The wheels may have been off the wagon, but it dawned on me that this was where "the rubber meets the road." Suddenly, I came to my senses. I got ready to workout and collected my kids. As I swam my mile for the day, I reflected on possible causes for my sudden departure from the plan I had faithfully followed for three weeks. I decided my next best course of action was to finish my workout and go home and put pen to paper.
This I did, and I have to say, it was a turning point for me. Writing down all the things that had happened both that day and the one previous -- a picture emerged. I began to see clearly that I was not, in fact, the center of the universe. I cannot control other people's health or career choices; I cannot control the economy. I was getting a message loud and clear: I am not in charge! I am in control, however, of my own mastery when things are not the way I "think" they should be; I am in charge of many choices that affect my own health and well being. Perhaps most importantly, I clearly saw that I am in charge of how I respond to life's challenges. I choose to respond to them open-heartedly, and not by further oppressing myself with poor food choices.
In the end, I put in place a plan to support both my dear friend and my dad who are facing health challenges and I brought someone else into my work circle for the sole purpose of supporting me in my professional role. I logged all of what I had eaten (which surprisingly turned out to be within my day's calories) and resolved to make healthier choices hence forth.
In the past, Wednesday's detour would have derailed me at least until Monday, or the start of the next month, or after the next holiday. I think the blog is part of what helped me get back on track; knowing I had chosen to tell the truth to the world helped me choose a next chapter that was - pardon the pun - more palatable! The real driving force, however, was my decision a few weeks ago to get to the bottom of the issues in my life instead of using food to soothe my soul.
I hope you are doing the same. If you are having a tough day, week, year, or life -- get out your journal, call a friend, go for a walk, whatever! Notice and re-create your situation. You are worth it!
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