I had a breakdown Wednesday. It wasn't the quiet, pretty kind with a single tissue and a little delicate nose blowing. It was a full-out fit accompanied by a lot of snot and loud nose blowing. And then I could see the light again.
Last week I was already moaning. Remember then I thought it was fear of success. By mid-week it had become absolute hopelessness.
I guess you could say I'd "hit the wall" (metaphorically) in my marathon of weight loss. Not technically of course -- I think my glycogen stores are fine -- but emotionally. If you've been following this blog, you know; I've been at this a while. It is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Last week, my mind suddenly got hold of the notion that it's been "too long, it's too hard and is, in fact, hopeless." In retrospect, I can see that my cold -- which had taken a gross turn for the worse at that point -- probably had something to do with it.
Thank goodness for support partners. He picked up on something in my voice in the first moments of the call and went after it like a hound dog. When he got his teeth into it, he did not let go until my mind-talk surrendered and truth was able to float up like a balloon. Thanks, buddy!
When I was able to tell the truth, I realized that I do not know how long it "should" take to lose weight. I am controlling what is in my capacity to control and there are always places I could work harder. I have been really hard on myself; there is a dictator in the corner bossing me around. I don't have to do that. I can (and choose to) be kinder to myself and still stick to my word to myself.
I made a couple of choices for this week:
1) reconsider doing a FAMILY photo instead of a children's photo
2) buy myself some pretty holiday clothes instead of just "making do" with whatever is in my closet
3) Move my strength training earlier in my day (so I will do it!) and set an alarm on my phone.
You probably can't see the obvious correlation between what I said was going on and my choices but I'll spare you all the grizzly details. The takeaway here is that I don't have to be a diet dictator. I can LOVE myself "through the wall" instead!
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